a discovery that could change our (chosen) family
I’ve been marinating on this for a few days now. Every first Thursday, we have dinner with our chosen family. On this Thursday, I discovered something I hadn’t expected- Hillbilly Elegy displayed on the coffee table. And it calls everything into question.
Lets back up a bit. Back in 2020 we moved to Ridgefield, and met our neighbors cow Pickles, their pigs, their goats and cowboy. Having a group of misfit rescue animals is one of my dreams, so this was heaven to me. I took it as a sign that this was the place for us. A few days later, at the fence line we met Jill and Neil, and Jill’s mom who lived in the large ADU on property. I had major hesitations about the type of neighbors we might have in Ridgefield, and I remember Jill feeling standoffish at first. I was too. Its only 20 minutes from Portland, but a world away ideologically. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Jill had worked as an engineer at a power company for her entire career, retiring that year. She’s a unique combination of girl power, proud gun owner, intensively virgo, lifelong smoker, stray cat collector, and harshly opinionated on nearly everything. She tells it like it is, and many times its a crude opinion that you typically don’t hear spoken aloud, but she means well. She was in an abusive marriage that is rarely mentioned that shapes the way she presents in the world forever. She never had kids, and I think we are the closest she has come to feeling maternally connected in that way.
Neil was in the Navy in Vietnam, and also worked at the same power company for over a decade. He’s an old soul, everyone is a friend he hasn’t met yet, an incredible storyteller, living many lives before this one. He beat cancer last year, healing is a slow process but he's 95% back to normal, while also being markedly changed by the experience of losing some of his freedom. He had two sons, one died tragically at 36 from cancer, the other one is living in the Dalles. Skip is a general contractor, in his 50s married to a 28 year old who just had twins. I would consider him estranged, definitely a narcissist. In our four years knowing them, he’s come to visit twice, including once during cancer treatment. Neil hasn’t deserved anything that has been given to him, but he remains optimistic, and has the best attitude on life.
They both had unhappy marriages before they met, first colleagues then friends for a decade before beginning their relationship. They are deeply grateful for one another, loving people who feel they are blessed to get a second chance at life together. Jill grew up in Hillsboro, Neil in Mosier. They are small town, Vegas loving, rodeo attending, wine collecting western humans. Jill in her mid 50s, Neil in his early 70s, and Jill’s mom Maryann in her mid 70s. They lived a simple life. They loved their animals, worked hard, spend money frugally, had great senses of humor, conservative values, but more than any of that they truly accepted us from the start. They are THE most fun people to play cards against humanity with, and we play board games together nearly every month. They never really talked about money, but they bought the Ridgefield property for 430K 8 years ago and sold it for 1.2M last year. They have money, but you’d never know it. They certainly didn’t flaunt it. I grew up with people just like our neighbors, I know that type of human well. Kentucky is full of simple, good natured people, who have conservative values shaped largely by christian ideals. They love family, basketball, and Jesus, usually in that order. In the case of our neighbors, their values were unrelated to a religious institution, and though I knew we had differences, we had more in common.
We became family, bonded through the pandemic in our little community of neighbors, and quickly became very close. They were the first people Jess shared going on testosterone with, getting sober, shared his full life story, many many tears have been shed by our neighbors in support of Jess. When we put our Biden Harris sign out, they were supportive. I specifically remember conversations about the crazy guy across the street, who had a huge Trump sign on his front gate.
They have known our story, and shared in our journey. So many conversations that Jess has never been able to have with their own family were had with our neighbors. The combination of a lack of acceptance of being trans by Jess’ entire family and a childhood Trauma that none of Jess’ family chooses to accept the existence of, bio family is a sore spot at best. On the bad days, its a gaping wound that Jess carries daily.
But our chosen family took us in, filled that void, and we’ve celebrated every month, and every major holiday with them ever since. I know all Jill’s siblings by name, their nieces and nephews, the whole family. They gave us money when we had to move at a moments notice back to Portland in 2021, they were there when we moved to our first haus, and we were there for them when Neil got cancer two years ago. Jill nags me about when I’m getting pregnant nearly every month now. We are family. We’ve been through alot together in four years.
But now, I’ve found something that makes me question everything. I grew up with conservatives, but support of the Trump administration is a different thing entirely. Its a cult. There will be social psychology books dedicated to it one day. I don’t view it in the same way at all. I can accept traditional values, but when womens rights, LGBTQ rights, and trans rights are at stake, it is no longer up for debate. We don’t talk about politics, theres been a few sticky conversations over the years, but I’ve always respected their right to their opinions, and they have always respected and loved us 1000%.
I’m rethinking everything. I don’t know how to have this conversation. I don’t know if I’m ready to process this loss, or what this may mean. I’m one of the lucky ones that didn’t lose anyone in 2016. I know of plenty of Trump supporters in Kentucky that my parents are friends with, but now its personal.
Is it possible to read Hillbilly Elegy at this point in history, and not be supportive of its author? It doesn’t sit right with me. Not to mention my personal gripe. JD Vance grew up in OHIO, less than an hour from where I lived for 9 years. He lives in Cincinnati now, new information to me. I have friends who drive by the media circus that is his house daily. It is NOT Appalachia, Appalachia adjacent or anywhere close. It is typical suburbia, and wildly inaccurate to draw any comparison to the poorest area of the country. My maternal grandmother grew up in a poor area of Kentucky on a farm, but I certainly wouldn’t write a book about it. I’ve never been to Appalachia myself, but its right there, a few hours from where I grew up. I’ve known of it, and heard stories about the hollers, the poverty and the unique culture there. It’s a huge thing to make the claims he did, knowing where he actually grew up, and the pedestal he now sits on to speak down about the people he claims to understand. Its exploitative at best, and it doesn’t sit right with me. So regardless of if this is a sign of their support or not, support of this book at this time in history alone feels off to me.
As it stands now, I know I will need to do something, but I’m waiting for the courage and the words to come to me. I saw this image today, and have thought about sending it to them, without any context. It wouldn’t be enough, but that’s where I’m at for now.