homeward bound: a celebration of grandmama
the day I’ve been mentally preparing for for nearly 2 years has come. Grandmama has left the earthly plane, and now I must travel home to Louisville to say goodbye.
I thought I was prepared, but there’s new waves of emotion that come each day. It has been her time for quite some time now, so I am at peace knowing she is pain free, and with Greg again. I haven’t written about it yet, but my uncle Greg, her son, died by suicide in 2009. The survivors guilt of that loss coupled with her beliefs as a catholic woman, tortured her soul, and our family collectively. I have a quite different perspective on suicide, but I am so happy knowing they are together again.
I am mourning the loss of our central meeting place as a family. With aunts, uncles, cousins literally all over the country from Hawaii to Charlotte, grandmama’s was our place to come together. That has evolved as all the kids grow up and create their own lives but that era now comes to an end. She was the last one keeping us all together, and now that will end. I am mourning the loss of that house. I wrote about its magic before, but there is no single place in my life that holds more meaning for me than that property.
We found out she passed on Sunday morning, which felt fitting as it was her favorite day. An avid church goer for my entire lifetime, she went multiple times a week and was highly involved in her church. In fact her home is a non profit, Cor unum, a center for centering prayer and community. A handful of wayward souls lived in her house from time to time, as well as 2 of my uncles. There’s a labyrinth for meditation in the backyard, I wonder what its future holds now.
My dad and his 7 siblings grew up there. Built in 1925, remodeled at least several times, and now and forever in all its 70s mod glory. The energy there is palpable. So much love and life happened in those walls, and on that land. I just recently realized that my love of mid-century stems from this home. That being said I am very excited at the prospect of inheriting some of the iconic pieces in that home. I’ve never been a sentimental person, but holding on to pieces from that home that remind me of her is something I feel very strongly about.
I’ve also been feeling waves of sadness and anxiety that Jess won’t be able to make the trip with me. Jess has to DJ a wedding, so I’ll be making the trip solo. I’m realizing Jess is my security blanket in Kentucky, which is always a triggering place for me to visit. The older I get the more it feels like a time capsule of memory and tradition, for good and bad. Right now it feels like the good will lessen with this fresh loss of home.
Today my mom texted me that it was her wish for everyone to wear colorful clothing to the funeral, and suddenly a weight lifted. One less rule about southern traditions and the way things ‘have to be’ to adhere to. I can breathe now. We can celebrate instead of creating a morbid dark cloud for our last time together, so thanks for that grandmama. I had a feeling about this a few days ago, but I’m glad for the confirmation of what she wants. I’ll only be there for two days, but now I know exactly what I can wear, and I feel much less anxious about the trip.
I’m sure I’ll have more to process in the coming weeks, but for now I am excited to see my family all together again, likely for one of the last times and I will cherish that time.
We have plans to go back for a week to clear out the house in a few weeks, so that being said my schedule for client work will be strained for the next few weeks to a month or so. Be gentle with me please!