a world of unknowns: life update

I’m experiencing this thing where I can’t remember what I’ve written here, in my journal, and what I’ve spoken in conversation to others on my health situation, so I think its time for an update.

My little mole has turned into stage 2 melanoma, which after my PET scan last week, has now turned into potentially breast cancer too. They found an ‘indeterminate’ mass in my left breast, so I had to wait with baited breath for 4 days to hear what this might mean for me. As it stands now, I have more testing, as well as an MRI all happening next week. At that point I should know exactly what cancers I have, and what treatment will be.

From my initial melanoma consult, the worst of the worst was surgery in July and a year of immunotherapy, which would push back any hopes of getting pregnant for a year. At worst. That was before the PET scan, and additional complications of an additional cancer (potentially). So safe to say I’m doing really well right now.

Work has been scant for the last year, year and a half. Then all this health stuff pops up, at the exact time we wanted to ramp up getting pregnant, plus the ever increasing unknown of the world and the asinine humans who ‘lead’ our country into further deforestation, demolition of all human rights, and previously unimaginable horrors all around.

On good days, I’m seeing joy in the garden, baking something, and enjoying our foster puppy thats been a great distraction this week.

On the bad days, it feels like the latest hardship in what has felt like an endless string of uphill battles in my life. I have no energy to write, or for any creative pursuits. I think pets and kids are what keep most people happy in dark times, and moving forward these days. Having a sense of purpose and service is so important for me. Without a tiny human to anchor this wreckage of a country, I feel my future is bleak. Yet I still have the ‘my pregnancy is protest’ stuck in my head. I still have so much fight in me. I believe in the revolution. But I hate the chaos of it all.

Literally everything in my life feels unknown, personally and collectively. I still don’t have clarity on what is next in my business. I see this substack becoming so much more, but when everything is dormant financially, I tend not to do my best creative work. We keep asking ourselves if we should sell the house and move somewhere else, like my new mexico dream or maybe we could rent it out, but the interest rates are forecasted to only reach 5.8% by next year now, so that feels like a big unknown too.

My entire working life has coincided with one ‘once in a lifetime’ disaster event after another. I have weathered so many storms, and with so much optimism, even in the bleakest of times. But right now it feels like the most unknown I’ve ever been asked to handle, for the longest period of time, all at the same time.

All I know is to surrender, again and again.

For now I’m sorry to say this is all I have to give. And I feel a bit guilty about that.

I hope to be back to my optimistic self, after the next round of testing next week.